I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
