my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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