Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
