i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
