So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
