Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
