spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
