omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
