New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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