its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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