YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
