Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
