Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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