I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just found a bag of teeth...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
