Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
