I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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