Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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