nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
