i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
