i don't like sucking hair
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Holy sore nipples Batman
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
