I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
