Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
