Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
