seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
