Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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