I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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