I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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