I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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