At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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