it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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