We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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