1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
