I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
