My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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