Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
