believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
