I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
