Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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