I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Someone signed my nipple.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
