Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
