dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
