sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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