I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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