why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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