I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
