I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
