Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
