just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
