She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
