I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
