I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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