If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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