I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
