I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
