You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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