Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
