My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
