How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
