I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
