The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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