Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
