Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
